My question is — if you’re gonna use a pen name, why hijack someone else’s?

Now listen — I don’t hold with some crazy assed notion that nobody else should be allowed to use the name Megan. I mean, it’s my real name, it’s the real name of many many other people. And the last name Hart, which is ALSO my real name, belongs to many many other people, too. So there are authors who use the name Megan. There are authors who use the name Hart. Sometimes they’re real names, sometimes they’re pen names. There’s a Megan Hart who’s a baker on some reality show, and one who writes cookbooks, and one who’s a singer and one who’s a wrestler. I have no belief that if someone uses the name “Megan” they’re somehow infringing on my reputation or whatever. Same with Hart.

Megan Harten? I kind of have a problem with. (Unless it’s your legal name, in which case you have every right to use it.)

I mean, I don’t go around using the name Nora Robertson just because I’d like to sell a bunch of stuff. Or Steven King. You see what I’m saying?

If Megan Hart or Megan Harten’s your real name, hey, good for you. Go on with your bad self. It’s a great name.

But if it’s not your real name…if you’re just trying to piggyback onto someone else’s ride…that’s just gross.

Maybe Kay Raines’ real name is Megan Harten. Maybe she wrote a bunch of erotica under a penname and decided to come clean with the world and show her real face and use her real name.

Maybe.

At any rate, if you buy “Megan Harten’s” stuff an like it, good for you. If, on the other hand, you don’t think it quite matches up to the rest of my work, there’s a good reason for it. I didn’t write it.

M

Let me say, first of all, that I’ve been using the Kindle self-publishing program for a few years now. My experience with self-publishing has been fine. I prefer traditional publishing in which I get paid money up front, sometimes before I’ve written the book, but I also do like that thar new-fangled digital publishing thing, too. In fact, I got my start in e-press, so I’ve been doing that since before it was cool. The point is, I like writing and being published and selling books. It’s my job, and I love it, and I’m blessed to do it. I think the digital publishing rollercoaster is exciting and wonderful and I’m happy to be part of it.

I self publish, and I’m enjoying that, but I PREFER traditional publishing.

Having said that, let me just say again… What fuckery is THIS?

Let’s play this out, shall we?

1. OMG I COULD MAKE 7,500 DOLLLLARRRRSSSS!!!! HOLY SHIT! THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY!!!!!

2. …wait a minute. I’ll let you read those terms and conditions. I’ll wait. I’m not copy/pasting, because god forbid I plaigerize (wish I could spell that right) them or something like that. G’head. You read. I’ll be here when you come back.

3.  okay. So I want to make my book available in this lending library program, so that I can earn a portion of their monthly fund which could be 7500 DOLLLLARRRRSSSS!!! Let’s see.

Exclusivity: I have to let Amazon be the only place selling or distributing my book for 90 days. That’s not so bad, if I don’t like it, I can get out of it. I mean, I’ll have to remember to unenroll since they auto renew, but I can do that. I iz smart writer.

So…I can’t sell or distribute my book to anyone else or anywhere else. I also can’t sell or distribute ANY CONTENT that is reasonably likely to compete commercially with my book, or diminish its value or confuse readers somehow.

In other words…anything else I write. Right? AMIRITE? Reasonably likely to compete? Sounds to me like anything else I write and sell or distribute in any other place could “reasonably” compete with the thing I’m giving Amazon exclusivity for.

Wow.

So, okay, I either give them the right to sell EVERYTHING I have…or…well, what’s the worst that could happen, right? I mean, if I give them the exclusive right to lend my book out to prime members for a portion of their established monthly fund and they determine that I’ve got something else that’s competing, how bad could that be?

Let’s see…

4. Well, if I commit to this, even if I unpublish my book, anyone who borrowed it can still keep it for an undetermined amount of time. BUT…I still have to keep it exclusive to Amazon for the 90 day period. Even if I don’t want it with them anymore.

Also, if I don’t comply, like if I give them exclusivity on ONE thing and then I have something else for sale elsewhere and they decide it’s competing, therefore meaning I failed in my committment to the KDP program…like I said, how bad could it be? What could they do?

Keep all your money, bitches, that’s what they can do.

They can keep the money you’d have been owed if anyone borrowed your book. (Let me point out that they determine the monthly fund, well, apparently monthly and they have NO specific determination about how much that fund could be. 500k one month…1.25 the next, who knows?)

They not only can keep that money, they might offset money they paid you against anything else you might earn. Or, just to be really sweet, they can MAKE YOU PAY THEM. Make YOU pay THEM their royalties that you’d have earned if only you hadn’t dared to offer your work for sale someplace else. Also, while this is going on, they can hold ALL  your royalties from ALL your books, in the KDP or not, for up to 90 days. And it looks like they don’t have a limit on other “remedies” either…so I guess they can also give you a swirly, call you names, and pull you up by your underpants on the flagpole. You know, if they wanna.

So…that 7,500 of imaginary money…how nice does that sound now?

M

PS– maybe my reading comprehension skills are lacking and I misread their terms and conditions. Maybe.

I can’t teach you how to write.

I can’t teach you how to get published.

I can’t teach you how to get an agent.

I can’t teach you anything.

You can either write, or you can’t. Oh, sure, you can get better over time. I hope we all do. I try to, at least. To always get better. Improve. Expand. (I’ve expanded plenty lately, which is why I need to eat less, DANG!)

I don’t have a “for writers” section on my website because in the end, there is no advice I can give you in a few sentences other than: WORK HARD. WRITE. WRITE MORE. WRITE AGAIN. EDIT. EDIT  SOME MORE.

There are no magic beans. There’s no spell or potion that’s going to make it happen for you. You have to actually write stuff. Yes, I know it’s hard. Yes, believe me, I’d far rather be watching Norman Reedus movies and thinking about how he smells like corduroy and cigarettes than writing. Or maybe writing about a guy who smells like corduroy and cigarettes and has awesome hair…

Was I talking?

Right.

Writing’s hard. It’s not easy. Sometimes it’s fun and sometimes it’s not so fun. Sometimes it’s harder and sometimes it’s not so hard. But it’s always, always work even when it’s also play.

And sorry, you don’t get to be “an author” just because you slapped together a few pages of your mindvomit and tossed them up on Amazon.com or Smashwords just because hey. YOU CAN.

No. That’s not how it works. And you don’t get to be “a writer” by talking about how you want to write a book, either. You actually have to write the damn thing, then write some more and edit it, then edit it some more and write and edit and write…

These days, where the end product appears is less…meaningful than it used to be. I don’t want to say less important. But now, you can self publish brilliant work that doesn’t fit what the traditional publishers want, and that’s a beautiful thing. It’s a glorious thing. It’s going to let a lot of people realize their dreams and a lot of readers also find some beautiful books.

Umm…it’s also going to flood the world with a bunch of truly shitty, moronic pieces of dung that some wannabe “writer” pukes out, formats and puts up for .99 because he/she/it CAN. So WHY NOT, right? Why actually try to make it, you know. Good? Because traditional publishing *whine* doesn’t UNDERSTAND MAH JEENYUS SO I WILL PUBLISH ALLLLLLLLL THE WORDS!

Whatever.

I don’t have a section “for writers” on my website because I don’t have any easy advice. I don’t have the golden ticket or secret. I can’t tell you how to write. I can only tell you that if you really want to be a writer, do your best to educate yourself. Learn your craft. Find classes, or teachers. Don’t rely on random website “tips” to help you out. Be prepared for a lot of work. You will fail, sometimes. That’s the breaks. And maybe you’ll have success too. You just might.

But just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it. I don’t care about those dollar signs dancing in your head. 70% of $.99 means nothing if you don’t sell anything.

Writing is more than just hiccuping your (Norman Reedus fantasies) self indulgence up into a document and finding a place on the internet to put it. It really is.

Very few people get everything handed to them. If you act like you’re the one who deserves that, chances are it won’t be you.

I don’t have “tips for writers” on my website, because frankly, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, or how I could possibly ever show someone else how to do it. I just keep trying to learn and improve and work and pay my dues. That’s it. That’s the secret. That’s the magic sauce.

I mean, I’m always happy to talk writing with people, and offer advice if it’s something I’ve experienced. I’m happy to talk to people. I do it all the time. Engage me in conversation, that’s awesome!I just don’t feel like a random, generic “advice” section on my site is helpful to anyone.

M

And yet I’m almost finished with two different projects that I could certainly complete if only I were able to motivate myself to get working!

I do so much better with a schedule. I am by nature organized and disciplined, I get my work done when it needs doing. Usually. But right now I want to take a nap and read a book…

I think I know why. Because while I know that if I don’t write these things that I *want* to write I will be sad when it comes time to get back to my regularly scheduled programming, I don’t *have* to write them…and so I take more time padoodling around with the plotting parts instead of just sitting down and getting to work.

Oh, also, really, it might have something to do with the fact I’m not in my office and my ass has fallen asleep on this chair. Okay, I don’t need my butt to write, but it would help if it weren’t both aching AND numb at the same time, WTF.

The stupid thing is, I’m EXCITED about what I’m writing, and that’s also a bit scary, because I love it so much, what if someone else doesn’t?!

That’s my bit of philosophy for the day. I am a conundrum wrapped in a mystery with some lazycrazy on the side…

later, gators…

M

And I name the characters very differently.

In sexy or romantic books, the characters — especially the heroes! Ohhhh, the heroes…have to have “sexy” names. Names that are sexy to me. And they have to make sense…I mean, really, in real life, how many Luciens do you meet? Age is important. Names that are trendy NOW don’t make sense for men born thirty years ago. Anyway, let’s think of the names of my heroes: Joe, Dan, Sam, Jack, Alex, Nick, Eric…oops, there’s an Austin but to be fair I think I named him after some guy on Dancing with the Stars or something like that. I have a Johnny coming up, and a Charlie. I know I have some woo-woo names on the list too…Ummm….oh, there’s a Lane and a Graham and a whole bunch of interesting names in fantasy and sf stories. And for my heroines, I really have to like the names too!

But for the non-erotic books, I don’t have to find the names sexy. I don’t really even have to *like* the names, as in they don’t have to be names I’d consider for a kid of my own. And it’s almost easier. I just…name them. I don’t have to think about if they “match” as a couple, or if it will be strange to write a love scene with a Eugene and a Penelope. It’s very freeing, in a strange way, to just give figurative birth to these characters and let the names be varied and I dunno. Normal, I guess.

Anyway, it’s refreshing and along with it is the feeling that in a non-erotic, non-romance book, the pacing is different. Chapters don’t have to be the same length, the books don’t have to be the same length, the entire process of writing them is sort of strange and fresh and different (though I’ve written plenty of non-erotic and non-romance books, it’s just like I forgot or something, what is up with THAT?)

In other news, I’m not sure this week is the one for random strangers feeling they simply HAVE TO LECTURE me on stuff, but really, it’s okay if you don’t. I’m fine with being ignored by random, finger-shaking and patronizing strangers who’ve never read my books but feel somehow unfulfilled with life unless you take the time out of your day to track me down and make sure I understand how terribly stupid/lame/disgusting/sinful/wrong I am. I mean, it’s totes cool for you to *think* that…just, you know. To yourselves. I don’t need you to tell me.

So today I’m going to finish the edits on this weird book I wrote and I have some new ideas hammering at me, so I’m going to write them down too before I forget, the way I didn’t do a few nights ago, darn it. And now I forgot. Sort of.

Also, watching The Riches on streaming while I work…anyone seen that show? OMG, is Minnie Driver not one of the most beautiful women in the whole world, ever? Wow. She stuns me.

That’s all for this Friday…carry on!

Oh, and head on over to the Fresh Fiction blog if you’re so inclined. You could win a copy of Precious and Fragile Things!

M

But I don’t review them.

Why? Because I write books. And while I am a reader too, the fact is, I am now held to a different standard than if I didn’t write books. At least by myself.

I don’t review books because I don’t love them all, and while I will speak loudly and often here, there and everywhere about things I *love* — I won’t really bother to talk much about things I don’t love. If I don’t finish a book, for example, I probably won’t talk about it to anyone, either. Same with a movie or a tv show. If I read or listen to or watch something I really can’t stand, I probably won’t talk much about it, at least not on the blog, because…well, meh. *shrug* Life’s too short to spend my time talking about stuff I didn’t like.

But that doesn’t mean I think NOBODY should talk about things they don’t like. I think people should express their opinions on books and movies and music and television.

I just think that when you are a professional in the field you are discussing, it sorta kinda looks shitty when you shit on your colleagues.

I know that authors or musicians or actors should may be  considered “experts” and therefore have opinions that are important and whatnot about their craft and such, but really…when an actor or author or musician or artist rips on someone else’s art, all that does is make the person doing the ripping look…well…I dunno. Sort of sour. Bitter. Or just…not professional.

So, I don’t review books. I think that authors who review books must walk a very careful line about what they say in public, because no matter if we like it or not, we DO have to uphold a different persona. And if you take a dump on someone’s book, ESPECIALLY, omg, ESPECIALLY if it’s in the same genre in which you write…

Wow. Well…all I can say is, karma has sharp teeth and you might find yourself feeling the bite.

Not everyone is meant to like everything, and authors as readers are just as human as anyone with tastes that differ. But authors who review other people’s books (or musicians, actors, artists etc. who critique other people’s artistic endeavors) really need to be certain that it’s important to let the world know they think book or album or painting X sucks dong.

Because here is something that is true: Just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it for the whole world to hear it. Really. Just because you CAN doesn’t mean you GOTTA.

We all have opinions. Part of being professional is knowing which ones are appropriate and necessary (that’s the key word right there) to share. And yep, being professional means sometimes giving up the freedom to run amuck on the internet, spouting willy nilly your every thought, word and/or deed.

(“erotica” writers who keep the world updated on your private sex life including pictures, that means you.)

M

So…it shouldn’t be so hard, right? To actually get on it and ride? I could use the time to read, cuz let’s face it, I never have enough time to read. Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out a good way to write while riding it because I can’t find a desk or table that will fit across that my knees don’t hit as I’m pedaling. Because man, that would be the best, to write and ride at the same time. Then I could REALLY be hating life, right!

Anyway, it’s hard enough to wake up in the morning, but I did today. And I got on the bike, ready to watch an episode of Dead Like Me, which is the show I’m working my way through on Netflix. The problem? The male child also likes to watch it, which necessitates him 1. being awake (not a problem, he’s a disgustingly early riser) 2. ready to watch without interruption.

And there’s the problem.

I should be able to set the bike for 45 minutes and watch the damn show, right? No commercials or anything. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

But…no. As with all things involving children, teeth must be brushed, breakfast consumed, shoes tied, spelling books found. None of this can be done BEFORE the show starts so that I can simply ride and watch and sweat and grit my teeth. No. It has to all happen in five to ten minute intervals of “I have to find my spelling book” and “…did you brush your teeth” and “is that a clean shirt?”

Which means I spend ten minutes riding, ten minutes doing other crap, another five on the bike. Could I tell you what’s going on in the show? Not really, because we start and stop it so many times I lose track of the plot. Or the computer decides to go to sleep (my fault, I should remember to fix that setting before we start. Maybe if I wasn’t supervising teeth brushing — seriously, how hard is it after 10  years of life to remember to BRUSH YOUR FRAKKING TEETH)

So, that was my morning so far and it’s only 8:27. Gonna shower and drink a Coke Zero and brush MAH TEEFS, gaddamn. Then I’m going to turn off the internet and maybe, just maybe…if not finish…come damn close to finishing the rough draft of this book today.

Anyone watching Boardwalk Empire? I do love some Steve Buscemi, fuhrealz.

M

On the other hand, I never finish something in one day, which is frustrating.

But today I thought I was going to the dentist, so I got up, showered, dressed in real clothes and was just getting ready to go when they called and said he was sick (OH NOES!) and they need to reschedule. So I did, and it’s like, more than a month away, which kind of sucks but what can you do?

Anyway, I thought I’d have less writing time today than I really *need* so now it’s a bonus, I have more! Which means I should be able to pound out a lot of pages today! I’ve been thinking about the book a lot and figured out a lot of things I didn’t know about it before.

Let’s see if I can write them down today.

Last night I dreamed about a house that had a “Christmas” room — fully decorated with everything Christmas, including a fully decorated tree under a protective cover that could be taken off when it was actually Christmas. And so I was looking in the window thinking “…that room is sort of creepy.” (There were a lot of tiny Santas.) And then the owner of the house and her husband came out and it turned out for some reason my clothes got dirty and I had to change them, and the husband put on my t-shirt (it was the Jason Manns t-shirt!) and I was all “whut?” and he was all “whut?” And we L’d OL. Haha!

Now I’m going to make coffee and put on a pair of sweatpants and get down to business. Because it feels like today’s going to be a good day to get stuff done!

M

Excerpt from WIP:

It took me half an hour of staring at the ceiling and counting endless bleating sheep to realize I wasn’t going to fall asleep unless I got out of bed and made the rounds of the house. So I did it, because that’s what you do for the people you love — you do what you can to settle your mind that they’re safe. And then, after I’d made sure the burners were all off, the windows and doors secured, I finally crawled back into my bed and fell asleep.

Which was fine, except then, with that same word ringing in my head over and over, I happened to glance down at the foot of the bed to see…softly pulsating lights. No big deal, I thought it was coming from the nightlight at the end of the hall. Except…that light doesn’t reflect on the foot of my bed, only lights coming in from my window would do that. And I live in the woods. It’s pitch black.

WHAT SOFTLY PULSATING LIGHTS WERE SHINING ON MY BED!?!

I was instantly wide-eyed (which helped nothing since I can’t see without my glasses/contacts) and I thought…”oh shit, son, if it’s 3:33 I’m gonna plotz.” But it wasn’t…it was 1:48…1 plus 4 is 5 plus 8 is 13, 1 plus 3 is…4

HOLY SHIT! THE 4TH KIND!

I was abducted by aliens, y’all.

For the rest of the night, no matter what I dreamed, the same word kept repeating over and over in my dreams. And I woke with a huge, giant headache. AND I woke up early and got out of bed without needing to go back to sleep, even though I’d gone to be late and hadn’t slept well…which to me is proof more than anything that something was very strange…

It was mysterious, that’s for sure.

M