Ok, so I’m here at home, typing away, typing away, when the phone rings. Caller ID tells me it’s my health insurance company calling. I almost don’t answer because what on earth could THEY want, but then I recall the ridiculous expense I just incurred for a test that ultimately turned out to be NOTHING (and for which I have clearly harbored a grudge.) So I answer.
It’s a recording. It asks if I am, in fact, ME and I say, yes. It asks if it can give me an important health message. Again, in an annoyed tone, I say yes.
The recording then tells me it’s very important that I get a PAP smear.
Okay well…that’s an important message, thnks sooo fucking much for interrupting my work to tell me this, something I know, but I guess I could use a reminder since, as the recording helpfully reminds me, getting a PAP is “no fun.” (No Shit.)
But you want to know how to make it better?
GO WITH A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER.
I shit you not, the recording is suggesting that we make PAP smears more fun by doing them as a group. Making “a day” out of it. Oh, hey, mom, how about we hit the shops and btw, let’s get our cervixes scraped, too! Cool! I mean, it’s no mani-pedi, but hey, it could still be fun!
Are you fucking kidding me?
The last thing I want when I’m up on a table with my lady bits being probed and scraped is a FRIEND or FAMILY MEMBER there. It’s not like getting a couples massage, FFS. Ok, let me strike that. THE LAST thing I want when I’m having my annual womanly exam is a HOT YOUNG INTERN looking at my stretchmarks and giving me a breast exam while he asks what I do for a living and I say “I write novels.” “What kind?” “…erotic.”
*beat of silence in which he manipulates my breasts and we both pretend he’s not actually touching my boobs while I say this*
AND YES THAT HAPPENED.
So.
Insurance company? Next time you call me, I’m totally not going to answer. Because not only did you take up five minutes of my precious time, I have now wasted another ten in my outrage and typing up this blog post.
Carry on, ladies and gentlemen. CARRY THE FUCK ON.
M
August 20th, 2010 at 1:33 pm · Link
LOL!! I hear ya. PAP smear with a pal? Um….? I think NOT!
I can picture that intern manhandling your boobs…
August 20th, 2010 at 2:34 pm · Link
Megan, while I’m sorry that this happened, and precious writing time was wasted, I thank you for sharing it, because I laughed OUTLOUD! Wish my OB had a hot intern working with her!
August 22nd, 2010 at 11:47 am · Link
no, you don’t! Really, you don’t!
August 21st, 2010 at 11:40 am · Link
Oh god. I just laughed so hard I started coughing.
I learned the hard way – no interns. When I had my first kid I said sure to just one at the beginning of labor. When I came out of my haze at the end, I found more than half a dozen all lined up against the walls. Never again.
August 22nd, 2010 at 11:48 am · Link
@lorelie — I thought, hey, someone has to let the guy watch or else he’ll never learn. It was a mistake, I won’t do it ever again. He had fumble fingers, not that I can blame him, and I was reasonably calm about it until we started talking about what I do.
August 21st, 2010 at 12:21 pm · Link
Too too funny bet a man thought of that one…..’take a pal have a pap’.
August 21st, 2010 at 7:32 pm · Link
Had to switch gyno’s…and was meeting the nurse and answering the kazillion questions.
Cute dude went by, in a WHITE coat.
Was like…NOOOO! Nurse burst out laughing and said YESSSS.
Oiy, where are the half blind gyno’s? When did the cute one’s take over?
August 22nd, 2010 at 11:48 am · Link
@Dana — haha! Man. I wouldn’t like that ALL
August 23rd, 2010 at 3:41 pm · Link
LOL- He’s actually a fantastic doctor ONCE you get past the young and cute part.
That said, a serious funny happened.
Had a procedure and during the after procedure check up he went through the normal, everything okay, no pain, yadda yadda.
Then he got to the final questions and I know what he meant…but it came out a bit wrong-
I think he was nervous and trying to fly through them, but it came out, how was the sex?
My Reply- Good, thanks for asking.
Couldn’t think of any other reply. He nearly dropped the clipboard laughing.